I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
