Where did you get a picture of my penis
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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