i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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