Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
