Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
