I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
True strength comes from lack of pants
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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