I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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