did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
