I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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