I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
