her vagina looked like bernie madoff
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
