I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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