I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
