There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We have started to decorate penises.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
