You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
