hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
