I think I just saw someone hide a body.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
