I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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