Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Damn victory sex feels great
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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