I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
