perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
My ATM looks so different sober.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
