i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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