I'm passing your future prison.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
