Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
