U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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