Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
