did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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