Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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