Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
