Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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