I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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