i already hear my dad disowning me
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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