did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
