Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
