My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
