No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
