Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
