Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
