hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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