Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
