I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
