If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
