when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
