Whod you bang
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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