How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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