i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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