My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
