did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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