He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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