my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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