something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
