i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
