woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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