maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
